"fuck what they talkin' about on your timeline"

"Maybe it is very, very clear by now what you are ready to let go of. Like, breathtakingly apparent.

This is the time to do so."

Amy sent me a link to a great post about this May Waning Moon.

"You just can’t hide from that which threatens to take you down."

This moon has felt slow like crawling but not like being stuck in the sludgy movements of a nightmare where you can't get to something on time. It's been like a meditative walk. Tasting the air and stopping to catch your breath at the same time. Freshness. Dream-like but not confused or random.  

I'm feeling a lot more clear since changing my diet. Especially cutting out anything processed and all the added sugar that comes with it.

I'm still struggling. I let myself eat a big, slightly unhealthy lunch today because I really, really wanted it. Fuck it. I really wanted it and I ate it slowly and enjoyed it a lot.

I'm going to take some time offline for the next 5 days until the new moon.

"Release and letting go is something that is practiced, over and over again. Until the lump in the throat doesn’t threaten to burst into flames."

Visual Magic

"higher powers taking a hold on me"

Yesterday when I was making dinner, J starting telling me this thing Oprah said...OPRAH! I wanted to laugh but I listened because he has been trying to find ways to help motivate me and I love him for that. Oprah said that there's no such thing as failure. She said that when something doesn't work out, it just means you're not on the right track. You need to take another path. Too simple and obvious? Maybe but I immediately thought about the things that I've been beating myself up about. I sprained my ankle badly at the end of last summer and then hurt my shoulder in November which is still not better and between then and now, I've gained about 40 lbs. I've been so angry at myself over it. Before my injuries, I was feeling incredibly fit and active. I was biking everywhere, boxing and kickboxing, playing Frisbee every weekend and generally just out of the house all the time. I thought I had it all figured out and that it was working for me.

When J shared Oprah's words of wisdom (hard to type with a straight face), I realized that the path I was on to being healthy and fit wasn't actually the right path for me. There were a lot destructive patterns in my behaviour last summer and a lot of reasons I weighed less that weren't sustainable or healthy for me.

I was a failure up until yesterday.  Now, I'm just on a new path.


It's been a few days since I started to bring some mindfulness into my day to day. I've been feeling really great. I've been eating well and today I put at least 35km on my bike...and I wasn't running away from anything. I don't think I wasted a single second today.  

"cuts too deep for a band-aid solution"

I've been called sensitive...too many times to count.  I've been told to grow a thicker skin or to not take things personally.

My nature has brought me success and failures. It has brightened some days and darkened others.  It's been acknowledged by others as a weakness and a strength. A tragic, beautiful flaw.

I'm sensitive to everything. To peoples moods and tone of voice...to smell and touch--so ticklish! I'm sensitive to the weather--I always get a headache when the air is that kind of thick air that is aching for rain. I'm sensitive to the moon and bleed when it's full and ovulate when it's at its most dark. I am sensitive.

But I am also incredibly adaptable, strong and resilient. My adaptability is like selenite to my sensitivity.  It charges it and sometimes makes it more powerful--mostly but not always for my benefit.

I've lived in the city for a lot of years now and I struggle more than I ever let on. I really, really struggle.  I struggle with my self-image and with my desire to acquire things that I think I should want...filling up the darkness with stuff.  I struggle with what and how I eat because I'm trapped in a cycle and food feels good to my brain. It's a drug now and has been for a long time. I struggle with the amount of physical activity I do. Especially in the winter. I struggle because I'm sensitive and I'm always thinking about everything. It never turns off. It comes from feeling in pieces and from being sensitive to this weird world.

I work as a sustainability coordinator for a major cosmetics company and I love my job and I believe in everything that I am so blessed to do. My personal struggles prevents me from feeling all the way good about what I've been doing because I'm not practicing what I preach in a few different ways. 

I've only ever had success with making changes in my life, when I've wrote about it.

I'm gonna write about it.